dad, where are you?

as some may know, my father passed away from cancer (adenocarcinoma of an unknown primary) in august 2002. some of you may also know that a lot of things that happen to me get hidden deep inside of me, and rarely ever see the light of day. this is true in this situation. i, to this day have yet to face my father's death. i haven't accepted it, and have become emotionally numb in most parts inside of me because of it. every once in a while, i will catch myself off guard thinking about his death, and how much i miss him...but shove it back in. i have a hard time remembering what he was like to myself and to the other 6 members of our family (4 brothers, sister and my mother) i know that he was an amazing man, husband, father, and human being. no doubt. i just wish that i could remember him. the way my mother does, the way my siblings do...or the way my grandmas do. yet, everytime i try to think of him before he got sick...my mind goes empty. a few tidbits here and there, yet i don't really remember. i remember the last couple months of his life extremely clear. i remember the day when auntie marie called me while i was working over a year and a half earlier to let me know that he was sick. i remember the day that i knew that he wasn't going to be living for much longer...i remember how skinny he was, how i could feel his ribs when i hugged him...i didn't want to hug him too hard because i was afraid that i would hurt him. he told me everything was going to be alright, and not to worry about him. i remember how my family went camping that summer before he died, and regret that lydia and i did not go with them. i wasn't there to witness a lot of moments that i loved having with him. fishing was our favorite, and is my favorite memory of him. we went on a fishing trip the summer before he died up to oconto falls, and shawano. uncle tim, josh, jason andres, my uncle bob, as well as my two cousins. he brought us fishing where we learned how to fish as kids. we went fishing at the "indian steps" below the dam in oconto falls, which i don't think i was allowed on when i was younger. he had also loved his garage. sitting out there until late at night drinking his Old Style, and listening to Inna-Godda-Davida on full blast. i remember when he would bring me to softball games down at mead field. how he brought zach and myself to little league, buying us sunflower seeds, and yelling at me because i would pay more attention to putting sunflower seeds in my mouth, than to the game. i remember how poor we were as a family until a couple of years before he got sick. when they didn't have enough money to get me a birthday present, yet my dad would somehow be able to buy me a bag of sunflower seeds, or a candy bar. this made not getting a present on my birthday not so important. it was the little things he did for us that made him the best man in the world. these are the little things that i want to pass on to my daughters. it makes me sad that my daughters will grow up without my father as their grandfather. he would have adored them. they would have been his little princesses. my father, the self proclaimed man who would never have kids, yet had six, absolutely LOVED children. he always had a way of making them feel special. i hope that i can be half the man to my children, that he was for all of us. i hope that the little things my father did..that made him so special, can be reflected through me. i hope that my daughters can experience their grandfather through me. i hope that all of the memories of my father come back to me. i hope that some day i will be able to face his death, because i feel that until i do this, the people in my life will not be able to experience the person i was before his death.